(HOW TO FUCK UP BETTER)
SELF REFLECTION / EXAMINATION
REQUIRES AN UNDERSTANDING OF MY ACTIONS AND THE IMPACT MY ACTIONS HAVE
REQUIRES A WILLINGNESS TO LOOK CLOSELY AND TELL THE TRUTH
IS MOTIVATED BY A WILLINGNESS TO DO BETTER/TAKE RIGHT ACTIONS
TAKES COURAGE
APOLOGY
ACKNOWLEDGES AND TAKES RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE HURT / HARM CAUSED
REQUIRES VULNERABILITY
IS A REFLECTION OF A FEELING OF REMORSE
REPAIR / RIGHT ACTION
BEGINS WITH MAKING AMENDS THAT ARE MEANINGFUL
RECOGNIZES THAT REPAIR ISN’T THE SAME AS “UNDOING”
RESULTS IN REBUILDING TRUST WITH OTHERS AND WITH SELF
CHANGED BEHAVIOR
BEGINS WITH RECOGNIZING UNDERLYING CAUSES (SUCH AS TRAUMA, NEED FOR HEALING)
DOESN’T RELY ON OTHER PARTY’S FORGIVENESS
RESULTS IN TANGIBLY CHANGING PATTERNS
MUST BEGIN WITH / INCLUDE “I’M SORRY”
NAMES THE HURT / HARM
NAMES THE IMPACT MY ACTIONS HAD ON THE OTHER PARTY
TAKES RESPONSIBILITY BY NAMING THOSE ACTIONS
ACKNOWLEDGES POWER DIFFERENTIAL IF NEEDED
COMMITS TO NOT REPEATING THAT HURT / HARM AGAIN
APOLOGIZE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE
(NOTE, THIS DOES NOT MEAN APOLOGIZING BEFORE DOING ANY SELF REFLECTION / EXAMINATION. POSSIBLE HAS TO INCLUDE COMING TO AT LEAST A BASIC UNDERSTANDING. HOWEVER, DON’T DRAG MY FEET. SPEED MATTERS.)
GIVE THE APOLOGY MY FULL ATTENTION WITHOUT RUSHING THROUGH
TREAT APOLOGIZING AS MEANINGFUL / CORE / SACRED WORK THAT ALIGNS WITH MY VALUES
BE GENUINE: DON’T GO THROUGH THE MOTIONS
LET GO OF OUTCOME / CONTROL AND BE PEACEFUL WITH DISCOMFORT
PRACTICE! PRACTICE! PRACTICE!
(start small)
DO NOT MAKE IT ABOUT ME
The instinct to center my feelings can be strong. Resist. Make sure that I am centering the other person. Returning to a centered feeling of compassion and empathy is the goal.
“BUT”
Anything I say before the word “but” in an apology is erased by those three letters.
PROVE I’M RIGHT / BECOME DEFENSIVE
Apologizing isn’t solely about facts (although the facts are important). Feelings are rooted in experience, even if the ways we experience the same event or fact are different.
“I’M SORRY YOU FEEL THAT WAY”
This should need no explanation, but if I want to say this, return to self reflection.
SELF DEPRECATION / COLLAPSE
It’s often easy to cross the line from decentering myself into demonizing myself. Processing feelings of guilt and shame elsewhere will make staying regulated more possible.
HAVE HARMED PARTY TAKE CARE OF ME
If I feel wounded by apologizing, it makes it far more likely that I will display hurt feelings or lean into how awful I feel for having fucked up. If I shed tears, metaphorically beat my breast, and repeat how bad I feel over and over, the likely result is the harmed party feeling like they need to tend to me. That negates the value of my apology.
OVER APOLOGIZE
When I exaggerate an apology in relationship to the harm, it may cause the person receiving the apology to feel overwhelmed, and make the apology feel less credible.
UNDER APOLOGIZE
Diminishing the harm or downplaying my actions can break trust with the person I’m apologizing to, and makes my apology feel insincere. If I can’t reflect back the gravity of the hurt / harm then I’m not hearing the person with openness and willingness.
INTIMACY AND VULNERABILITY: APOLOGIZING IS INTIMATE AND VULNERABLE BY NATURE, AND I NEED TO SEE THAT VULNERABILITY AS THE STRENGTH THAT IT IS.
HUMILITY AND DIGNITY: THERE IS NO NEED TO GIVE UP MY DIGNITY TO APOLOGIZE; IN FACT DOING SO IN A HUMBLE MANNER MAKES ME STRONGER AND MORE TRUE TO MYSELF.
SOFT AND CLEAR: I HAVE BEEN TAUGHT THAT SOFTNESS IS IN OPPOSITION TO BEING STRONG AND POWERFUL. I AM STRONG AND POWERFUL WHEN I STAY SOFT WHILE THINGS ARE HARD.
RISK AND COURAGE: TAKING A RISK IS THE ONLY WAY TOWARD GROWTH. APOLOGIES ARE TAKING A RISK WITH THE PERSON I AM APOLOGIZING TO AND IS AN ACT OF COURAGE.
EMPATHY AND WILLINGNESS TO TAKE RIGHT ACTION: I WANT TO BE COHERENT WITH MY VALUES AND ETHICS. I WANT TO ACT IN WAYS THAT REFLECT THE EMPATHY THAT I FEEL.
CHOOSING RELATIONSHIP OVER FEAR: ALLOWING FEAR TO DICTATE MY ACTIONS WILL RESULT IN BREAKING DOWN TRUST. EVERY SMALL OPPORTUNITY FOR ACCOUNTABILITY IS AN OPPORTUNITY TO STRENGTHEN MY CONNECTIONS.
COMMUNICATING THAT OTHER PEOPLE MATTER: APOLOGIES ARE A REAL AND MEANINGFUL WAY TO TELL OTHERS THAT THEY MATTER TO YOU. THAT THEY ARE WORTH YOUR COURAGE AND YOUR ATTENTION.
RELATIONSHIP / RAPPORT / HOW I AM CONNECTED
EMOTION / ENERGY / DEMEANOR OF THE OTHER PERSON
BODY LANGUAGE (BE MINDFUL OF DISABILITY/CULTURAL DIFFERENCES / DON’T ASSUME!)
TONE / PACE
COMMUNICATION STYLE AND FORMAT (TEXT / SPEECH)
CONTENT AND CONTAINER
BOUNDARIES, MINE AND THEIRS